I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
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