Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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