I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
you will always have a special place in my vag
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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