I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
