That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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