i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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