I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
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