he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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