Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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