Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
