Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
