We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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