He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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