Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize