The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
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