I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
