I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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