If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
