Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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