Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize