Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Randomize
