zippers are such a cool invention
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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