i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I need to calm my uterus...
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
