3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
drinking out of a sandbucket again
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
