He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
