I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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