i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
