peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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