I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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