I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
