Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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