I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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