Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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