is your mom at the bar?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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