I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize