DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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