The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
