I accidentally had phone sex last night
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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