I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
