...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize