Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Randomize
