YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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