i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
He shit in the fireplace
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
