I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
