I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
