Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
