My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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