life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
