drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
