He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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