I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
