is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
