All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
