I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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