I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
