Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Randomize
