i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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