based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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