I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize