one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
