Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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