i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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