I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
