If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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