I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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