I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Randomize