I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
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