The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
