he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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