she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
